This is so cliche and typical high school stuff but most of it's true. It made for a good read when I was bored.
I've been spending most of my days and nights down there, memory lane. And in my crazy diminutive head; it's just about real. A REAL place. I go there whenever I want to. I thought it would bring back smiles, fun, and people; but it only made me realize how much I've lost. And how I haven't really gained that much back in compensation for that great loss.
The question that keeps my mind spinning round; that constantly enables the screws in my head to keep turning, never stop- is this:
What happened?!
There's so much that has happened, and I can’t even remember why. I'm not even sure HOW it happened. It just did. It's as if one day I was best friends with someone, hanging out outside talking about how we'd be friends forever, and within the next year we're passing each other in the halls, not even giving each other a second glance- like we've never seen each other before. Since when did forever’s definition really mean a couple more months?
I don't know people anymore. Not like I used to. The most I could know about some of my old friends is through rumors...And I don’t go by that. I know nothing.
All I remember is how things were. I can’t understand how they are now though. Maybe that is why I insist on taking that long walk down memory lane. Maybe I believe it will help me find the answers I strive to find visibly; figure out what happened and what I can do now. But it doesn’t help me. At all. It just fills my head and heart with past pains and regrets for myself.
I lost the best people I ever knew to a fight blown out of proportion; to distance and not talking; to insecurity and competition; to me not caring and finding it easier to give up; to broken promises over and over; to jealousy; to lies; to phone calls un-returned; to new boys; to new places; to drinking; to going “too far”; to better people and friends they chose over me, and the list goes on.
I don’t want who you are now; I want who you were and Who I was with when I was with you.
The times when we pass each other in the halls and the most we can do is give a half filled grin, or the times we stand next to each other in line for lunch drowning in our own silence. Or even the times when we do talk- it's only about the past. "Remember that?!"
"YEAH! That was freaking hilarious!" But that's it. We have nothing more to relate to. We don't have a future; we just had a past. We are past friends, so we need to stop pretending we can be more. It's not worth your breath and wasted words.
I can't keep wondering why we can’t be who we were again. Watching all the younger kids frolic around with their best friends oblivious to everyone and anyone around them makes me contemplate. Should I give them a forewarning; how about I spare them all the pain and trips down memory lane and just let them know they won’t be friends like that forever. Possibly not even another year, they'll be changed and living in different worlds in only a matter of months.
I can’t protect the world from potential pain; they need to live and experience it for themselves. Lose people. Lose themselves. Search for themselves. Gain new people. Maybe not better; but new.
Kind of like I did.
I know this isn’t just happening to me though. It’s something everyone is going through lately.
It’s as if we want to change who and how they are now and turn them back into the sweet little 3 year old they were when you two were best friends swimming in your crap-filled diapers together.
All you're doing is losing people. Maybe you lost them emotionally and mentally before, but it is now that it’s hitting you that you are losing them fully. Mentally, Emotionally, and now Physically- They are not there for you anymore.
All you have are those memories. And they won’t be there for you when you get dumped; they won’t be there to hug you when you cry and tell you “it’s alright.” You can’t cry on memories. You can cry because of them though.
“Letting go and forgetting aren’t the same thing; not even close”
You know it’s time to let go when all that is left are artificial conversations filled with fake words and fake promises for a better future. Don’t kid yourself. It will backfire, and the joke, will end up on you.
Those trips on it hurt like hell, but we get back up and the wounds heals and we bounce back revived and maybe even a tad more immune to that type of past pain.
I believe it’s innate to take a trip down memory lane every once in a while; just don’t live your life there, cause you cant take more than one wound from the past at a time.. It hurts more than you’d anticipated sometimes.
But isn't it funny how we all were friends once? As someone intelligent and important to me, said:
We all started out on the same big ship together. Then one by one, we somehow lost some. But now; it's as if EVERYONE has jumped off board; Disjoined themselves from our “big happy family ship” & moved onto a smaller canoe with a select few and sailed away. You, not being one of the people chosen though. And just like that- they left you. They're gone. They sail away. And some sail back to you eventually; but others you lose forever; they've sailed away and they are never to return to you. And all that's left for you is one big empty ship. You're alone.
How's it feel to be the captain of your own ship with no crew?
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